THE I-CAT WAS NOT AMUSED AT CHRISTMAS by Phil Comer

A PERSNICKITY FELINE GETS HOLIDAY COMMUPANCE, A STORY IN VERSE.

We're the Imperial Cat; that would be

 I-Cat to you.

Things are all a dither. We find ourselves

hot in a stew!

We are the Imperial I-Cat; we are not amused.

We are not impressed by Christmas.

We're Holiday abused!

We are not amused by Santa with all his

Ho Ho Ho.

We're sick and tired of Christmas.

It's high time for it to go.

Neither are we amused by strings dangled before our paws;

Nor by balls, rubber mice, or yet more tales of Santa Claus!

We're not amused by smashing Grandma's keepsake ornaments;

Nor by Mom, Pop and Junior in holiday adornments.

We are not amused by catnip sprinkled

in paper bags.

We're not amused by velvet ribbons,

lights or hanging tags.

We discovered our belly in sudden

need of washing;

That we couldn't finish; we spied bugs

that needed squashing!

We were diverted by arrivals knocking

at the door,

Then Lex, the neighbor's smelly dachshund, dashed across the floor!

We flipped our tail, ignored the beast;

a hairball we did cough.

We further were offended by the fruitcake

they'd dropped off.

In disgust, we sharpened our claws

upon the wicker chair.

We skittered when Papa shouted,

"No! No! No, Cat! Not there!"

We dove for our secret hidey-hole,

and crouched out of sight.

Momma started scolding too; we might be stuck here all night.

These folks have yet to learn how

to properly address we!

But we shan't yowl too loudly; the bed and board come scot-free.

We rearranged the manger and hid

the baby Jesus.

Perchance we'll think to put it back,

just before Hell freezes.

Cattle lowing, sheep and camels, we found the creche well set.

Junior shouldn't play inside with trike or

new crash helmet!

We were vexed by cats' pajamas from our Christmas stocking.

We're not amused by mistletoe; that we found quite shocking.

We sang no Christmas carols although

we know the lyrics.

The family blames our ill temper;

we fault atmospherics.

We were not amused by cuddles;

we struggled to be free,

But the jammies came with Velcro;

that's how it's gonna be.

We clawed to be let out; we felt

prerogatives denied.

Outdoors, the snow wet our paws;

we yowled to get back inside! 

For us, Santa left lumps of coal;

now those are some sick jokes.

Mom, Pop and Uncle Charlie just stepped out in winter coats.

That's when we lost our temper:

Junior yanked upon our tail!

We fluffed, hissed, fanged and spat; with our claws we sought to impale.

Junior is annoying when left to his own devices.

We've more important tasks: Tending shadows. Killing mices.

We're unimpressed by chestnuts toasting over open flame;

Now, chipmunks roasting over fire, that's our idea of game!

What's this? Mom and Pop are back with

Uncle Charlie in tow.

Yet another present, a basket with

a big red bow!

We pretend not to hear when informed,

this one is for we.

Snarl, spit and hissy fit! It's a kitten

under the tree!

It blinked. It purred. It raised a paw.

Heavens, that thing is bratty!

It blinked. It purred, "Are you my new Mommy? Or my Daddy?"

Though knowledgeable of the facts of life,

in the classics we've been tutored,

"For goodness sakes, Kitten, I don't know.

It's been ages since I was neutered!"

I flipped, sniffed and studied this kitten

from every angle.

Well, lo and behold, I mewed,

"I think I'll call you Angel!"

We went on a rip, raced all around

until we were exhausted.

Then a miracle! The tree's branches

all became frosted!

I showed our buffet; that Angel was famished was among my surmises.

At the litter box I advised, "Now, these people, they don't like surprises."

From the toilet I sipped, "The water is fine

for drinking."

Mom ran in stamping feet, "Cat, what on earth are you thinking?"

The kitten was tired; we were wiped out;

I groomed Angel's whiskers.

Christmas gone, something remains: Small purrs like elfin whispers.

In the end, when one's a friend,

Christmas is about caring.

"Snuggle close, Angel. My hidey-hole's

just right for sharing."

THE END

Still want more of the Holiday spirit?

Check out my rap tribute to Chuck Sambuchino, Gnome for the Holidays!  [go]

Text Copyright © 2011 Phil Comer.

Photo credits: O Tannenbaum Guy: Ryan Gosling "Christmas Lights"; "Lilly in Afghan" by Phil Comer; "Broken Ornament," unknown; "Fruitcake," unknown; "Creche Without Jesus," unknown; "Cat's Santa Pajamas," unknown; "Lump of Coal," unknown; "Christmas Kitten" by Catheryn Carcamo; "Cat Under Tree," unknown. Additional attributions will be made as available.

Unless stated otherwise, illustrations and links outside this blog are for information and are not the property of the author.

ESSENTIALLY by Phil Comer

"Pepper spray... it's a food product, essentially."

FOX News' talking air head Megyn Kelly demonstrated yet again why people who watch FOX News know less than people who watch no news at all.  

Ms. Kelly and FOX News added their usual twisted spin - deferential to authority, dismissive of victims' suffering - to the tear-gassing of passive Occupy Wall Street protesters at UC Davis. That's why their audience-base LOVES FOX News, and the rest of us quiver.

But Megyn Kelly "essentially" opened a world of possibilities.

I'll start... Feel free to jump in. Anyone can take a whirl at the FOX News' spin game!

A TORNADO is a breath of fresh air, essentially.

A TSUNAMI is a memorable day at the beach, essentially.

NAGASAKI and HIROSHIMA were urban renewal, essentially.

GLOBAL WARMING is early spring, essentially.

SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 was a sunny day, essentially.

GEORGE W. BUSH was a president of the United States, essentially.

"If the Bush Fits, Wear It"

EXTRAORDINARY RENDITION is a free plane ride, essentially.

WATER BOARDING is neti potting, essentially.

NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST is a roaring campfire, essentially.

A TRAIN WRECK is Michelle Bachmann, essentially.

ELECTROCUTION is a bad hair day, essentially.

A FIRING SQUAD is a ventilation service, essentially.

A FLAT TIRE is a chance to clean out your trunk on the side of the road, essentially.

HORSE PUCKY is fertilizer, essentially.

MUSTARD GAS is a condiment aerosol, essentially.

A BLOOD BATH is a spa option, essentially.

PARADOKE CORNER - #11 The Incomparable Junior Samples' Paraprosdokian Top Twenty

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. 

Folks around Sandtrap, Jawja, are right fond of their Favorite Son, Junior Samples. He was a big star on the Hee Haw television program way back when and still on cable. Junior is dead now, but he was Mercer County’s Barnyard Bard and did us proud.

Junior deserves a Top Twenty in the Paradoke Corner:

20) We been gettin’ a whole lot more aigs. Tacked us up a sign on the henhouse thet sez, ‘An aig a day keeps Col. Sanders away.’”

19) “Most of the Mayor’s speeches is like the horns of a steer. A point here. A point thair. Wid a lot of bull in between.”

18) Hiram Bell tole me, ‘My wife haz done run off wid my new best friend!’ I asks him, ‘Iz he a gud lookin’ fella?’ Hiram sed, “I don’t know. Ain’t never met the man.”

17) “Miz Tompkin’s baby pitched a big fit in town the other day. I sez, ‘Ain’t that youngun a mite spoilt?’ She sez, ‘Naw, that’s jist the way it smells.’”

16) “I dun lost mah last job ‘cauz of illness ‘n fatigue. Mah boss sed he jist plain sick an’ tired of me.”

15) “How’s yore wife?” I asks Tobe Hawks. He sez, “Compared to what?”

14) If’n you learn from mistakes, why is it some folk have more than one youngun?

13) “Roscoe wuz in the hospital fer three weeks. Then he taken a turn fur the nurse.”

12) “I sez, ‘I reckon I’ll go outside an’ see if‘n it are rainin’.’ Uncle Gus sez, ‘Thet’s a waste of time. Jist whistle fer the dog an’ see if he’s wet.’” 

11) “Mah memory is reel gud. They’s jist two thangs I cain’t recall. One is people’s names. I forgits whut the other one wuz.”

10) I asked the widow, “What wore yo’ husband’s las’ words?” She sez, “They wuz, ‘I jist don’t see how they kin sell this here fine corn likker fur two bits a quart.’”

9) “They dun served me a steak up in New Yawk thet were so rare, I seed cows back home hurt worse than that an’ git well.”

8) I tole the Doc he needed to fix up my son-in-law whut I’d just shot. Doc sez, ‘Why’d you go an’ do that to your own kin?’ I said, ‘Well, he warn’t my son-in-law when I shot him.’”

7) They had a cuttin’ an’ near riot over at the hog killin’. Ole Mac was bleedin’ bad. I sez, ‘Did you git cut in the fracas?’ He sed, ‘Nope. Hit war right here above my navel.’”

6) “Lawyer Crum iz a gud lawyer. He got Calib Swan a suspended sentence. They hung him.”

5) “Young fella asks me, ‘Kin I have yore daughter fur mah wife?’ I sez, ‘Might be interested. But I’ll have to see yore wife furst.’”

4) “They all laffed when ole Precious dun come to the party dressed lak a bird. They didn’t know he’d jist been tarred an’ feathered.”

3) “We found us a fishin’ spot that wuz real gud. We marked it for next time. Put us a big ole ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”

2) Det story ‘bout Jonah an’ the whale proves one thang. You jist cain’t keep a gud man down.”

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Incomparable Junior Samples” Category:

1) “There ain’t much a’ goin’ on in a small town. But what you hears makes up fur hit.”

Next up in Paradoke Corner:

The Lucille Ball Tasty Bakers' Dozen (go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled by Nick Adams, ranked and translated into near-English by Phil “Bud” Comer. Photo by Bud. Unless stated otherwise, links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #10 “Doctor’s Orders” Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the Doctor’s Orders category:

PEANUTS

10) I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

9) "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." - Henry J. Tillman

8) "She got her good looks from her father; he's a plastic surgeon." - Groucho Marx

7) A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are on it.

6) "There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs… my favorite is Nestle." - Shmuel Breban

5) I put my daughter to bed and tried to kiss her, and she said, ‘Not tonight, Daddy, I’ve got a terrible headache.’” - Rodney Dangerfield

4) “I want to live to be a hundred, because you rarely read any obituaries about people over a hundred years old.” - George Burns

3) “I have three children – one of each.” - Rodney Dangerfield.

2) “When I was your age, my parents used to rock me to sleep. The rocks were as big as your head.” - Mel Brooks

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Doctor’s Orders” Category:

1) “Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped.” - Groucho Marx

Next up in Paradoke Corner:

“The Incomparable Junior Samples,” late star of the Hee Haw TV show, gets his own Top Twenty!  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

This is a compilation of work from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Top photo by Phil Comer, bottom photo by Dan Skinner, model David Wilkinson. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #9 CYA Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the “CYA” category:

10) “He who hesitates is often right.” Garrison Keillor

9) You're never too old to learn something stupid.

8) I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

7) I don’t really believe in the afterlife, but I am taking a change of underwear.

6) “If at first you don’t succeed, then quit. There’s no sense being a fool about it.” - W. C. Fields

5) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

4) “In show business, the key word is honesty. And once you’ve learned to fake that, you’re in.” - George Burns

3) An atheist is someone with no visible means of support.

2) Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “CYA” Category:

1) “Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.” - Samuel Johnson

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

“Doctor’s Orders Top Ten” category, again, Groucho wins.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Megan O’Neill. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

A CHICKEN GOES IN A BAR by Phil Comer (August 14, 2010)

Hard to believe Far Side cartoonist Gary Larson just turned sixty. One of his beloved panels depicts a chicken in a bar surrounded by cows munching hay. Larson's caption: "Vera looked around the room. Not another chicken anywhere. And then it struck her -- this was a hay bar."

That original came to mind when someone recently forwarded Dan Reynolds' take on the theme: two dogs enjoying cocktails perusing other bar mutts. Reynolds' caption: "Bob and Steve noticed no one else was wearing a collar. Suddenly, they realized they were in a stray bar."

That added fodder for these:

A rock climber repels down El Capitan in Yosemite. Halfway down the sheer rock face he comes upon a refreshment stand serving icy rickeys. Caption: "Suddenly, Eric realized he’d dropped in a belay bar."

Hepcat prowls into a hot spot enticed by the aroma of liver and onions. Tomcats sit on stools licking paws in anticipation. "Suddenly, Jerry realized this was a sauté bar." 

A penguin waddles into a roadhouse. The joint is filled with ballerinas in tutus twirling before mirrors. "Suddenly, Ralph realized this was a plié barre."

Bartender collie mixing cosmos, one patron mutt licks his nether regions while all the other pooches crouch obediently, tails wagging, tongues lolling. "Suddenly, Rusty realized this was a sit-stay bar."

Elderly woman staggering into a tavern is blind-sided by a whiteout blizzard and run over by Santa and his reindeer barreling out the door. "Suddenly, Grandma realized this was a sleigh bar."

PARADOKE CORNER - #8 Pollyanna’s Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the “Pollyanna’s” category:

10) My gal was faithful to the end. Unfortunately, I was the quarterback.

9) “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.” Sam Goldwyn

8) We don’t serve women at this bar. You have to bring your own.

7) “When I told my gentile girlfriend I was bringing the bagels, she set two extra places.” George Furth

6) “There are still things you can get for a dollar – like nickels, dimes and quarters.” - Charles Lindner

5) “That restaurant was so crowded, nobody ever goes there anymore.” Yogi Berra

4) “I ran and ran and ran from the murderers ‘till Mom shook me awake.”

3) "I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'" - Emo Philips

2) “A bum said to me, ‘I haven’t eaten in three days.’ I said, ‘Force yourself.’” - Henny Youngman

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Pollyanna’s” Category:

1) “I wouldn’t hurt a fly – unless it was open.” - Mae West

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

The “‘CYA’ Top Ten” category goes way back.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Phil Comer, model Patsy Fried. Unless stated otherwise, links are for information and not the property of the author.

KAREN BLACK ENCOUNTER by Phil "Bud" Comer (April 25, 2009)

Sometimes, I doubt Duck, my better half, comprehends the rigors involved in being a full-time writer, house-husband and critter-sitter.

He accuses me of fabricating material. This afternoon's encounter was no exception.

I ran into the big city (Macon) for errands and a few super-sized items from the Mega-Mart. I stopped in the Nu-Way wiener stand for a late afternoon pick-me-up, a couple of all-the-way dogs. The Nu-Way is a landmark, on Cotton Avenue since the nineteen-teens. Even Oprah ate there when she was in town.

The place was crowded, but a counter stool was open next to a bag lady. Bag ladies portend interesting, if incoherent, conversation.

This one looked as though she'd persevered the apocalypse. Vexing an unlit cigarette, earthly possessions spilling from an enormous gold lamé tote between her feet, the nubs of a couple of gnawed dogs on her plate, decked out in a blond fright wig, though it wasn't Halloween.

Not actually that shabby, she looked as though she'd hit Goodwill and made a decent haul.

"There but for the grace of God," thought I. It seemed she was close to leaving and might need help with the bill. I slipped onto the stool alongside. 

PARADOKE CORNER - #7 The “Now Cliché” Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the “Now Cliché” category:

10) “Let’s get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini” - Robert Benchley

9) "If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm." – Vince Lombardi

8) Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put

 "DOCTOR."

7) “I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.” -- Will Rogers

6) Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

5) "You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute in a huff.” - Groucho Marx, Duck Soup

4) "We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately." Benjamin Franklin

3) “Take my wife – please.” Henny Youngman

2) “It’s deja vu all over again.” Casey Stengel

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Now Cliche” Category:

1) "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." -  Groucho Marx

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

“Pollyanna’s Top Ten” category belongs to Mae West, and others.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Phil Comer. Unless stated otherwise, links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #6 Snarky Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the Snarky category:

10) "When life gives you lemons, stuff 'em down your bra and make bigger boobs."

Boob Bonus: A zebra is twenty-five sizes bigger than an A bra.

9) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

8) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

7) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't escape.

6) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

5) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4) “He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.” - Joseph Heller

3) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

2) I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Snarky” Category:

1) “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.” – Winston Churchill

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

The “‘Now Cliché’ Top Ten” category contains old saws. Groucho wins.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Megan O’Neill. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

BOOR WARS by Phil "Bud" Comer (March 27, 2010)

Duck's & my closest gay pals are Cindy & Diana. They're women. In Sandtrap you can't be picky.

For the record, Cindy's the butch, Diana's the fem. Never understood why, but female couples end up roll-playing. And, there goes the air in my tires.

Cindy operates the Tire and Tube; it was her Dad's business. Haven't seen a "tube" in years, except those Cindy recycles for kids' at the lake. She always has specials, merchandise that "fell off the truck." She picks tires up off the side of the road.

Cindy's a decent mechanic, but I wonder. I took in the pickup for a worrisome knock.

When I picked it up, Cindy strutted proud as a peacock, "Couldn't find the 'ping,' so I installed subwoofers under the dash. Check it out!" 

She hot-wired those monsters. Nothing short of a ball-peen gonna shut them off. And it wasn't a "ping." It's a knock, and remains.

Cindy's partner Diana is Sandtrap's "Petticoat Carpenter," a miracle worker with power tools.

Story out of school: Cindy had the temerity once to step out on Diana. Diana surgically removed the interloper's deck with a chainsaw. That first step out the double-wide was killer.

LIMERICK PLUS by Phil Comer

A a limerick that doesn’t know when to quit.

DUCK IN WATER

There once was a man from Barbados

Who stuffed his cellar with tomatoes.

He started to shiver, and said with a quiver,

"Now where will I hide from tornadoes?"

Avast!

There are no tornadoes on Barbados!

Occasional cyclones make tourists groan,

A sometime hurricane drives ships from the main,

Locals crave tomatoes and potatoes.

Soprano castratoes? Obbligatos!

But, tornadoes are verboten on Barbados!

 

Next in the Silly Poem series:

“Song for Benny,” a ballad of Lowcountry, Jawja.  (Go!)

© Phil Comer

Disclaimer: Although loosely based on reality, characters and events are none you or I know. If you think this doesn't totally suck, please Comment, Follow and click Like. Thanks!

Text is copyright material of the author. Photo by Kerry Coburn, model Robert “Duck” Apsley. Unless stated otherwise, photo and links are for information and not the property of the author. 

PARADOKE CORNER - #5 Irreverent Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the Irreverent category: 

10) Lent was tough. I gave up Catholicism.

9) “If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.” - Woody Allen

8) If there is a God, why are there things such as famine and daytime TV?

7) “There but for the grace of God, goes God.” – Winston Churchill

6) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

5) I asked God for a bike, but knowing He doesn't work that way, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4) “They cancelled Easter this year. They found the body.” -- George Carlin

3) “If you are going through hell, keep going.” -- Winston Churchill

2) “If we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re said to be schizophrenic.” -- Lily Tomlin

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Irreverent” Category:

1) “I think we should all treat each other as Christians. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.” -- George Carlin

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

The “Snakry Top Ten” category has a surprise winner.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Megan O’Neill. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

DING DONG AVON CALLING by Phil "Bud" Comer (July 12, 2010)

When Duck's not kayaking, he does landscaping. Actually, landscaping is weekday business, kayaking is Sunday church.

He's accomplished at both. Yard work has broadened his horizons, and he's acquired new skills. He now curses in fluent Spanish. Half the time, I haven't the foggiest what his problem is.

This morning, it had something to do with the shampoo. I don't know why. It's Avon. It ought to be good.

Earline has dibs on the Sandtrap and Mercer County Avon market. As they say in Cosa Nostra notions, "sewed up." Competition tried to heel in, but that hapless carpetbagger was found bludgeoned by her Avon Beauty Bag, impaled upon her stilettos, case never solved.

Earline, a peppy strawberry Pop Tart of a toadstool, puts the muffin in muffin top. She drops by the home place unannounced, dismounts her filly, disturbs whatever I'm doing, and hawks her latest while the horse mutilates Duck's ginger blossoms.

She doesn't consider "writer" or "house-husband" as legitimate endeavors exempt from interruption.

At the last sales meeting in Kansas City, Earline and the associates were informed men are THE untapped cosmetic and grooming market. Good luck in Mercer County.

But Earline figured she'd start with the funny boys in her own backyard.

PARADOKE CORNER - #3 “Too True” Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the “Too True” category:

10) You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need one to do it again.

9) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8) Why do Americans choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

7) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6) When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department uses water.

5) "Save a little money each month and at the end of the year, you'll be surprised at how little you have." -- Ernest Haskins

4) “She was a girl who preferred men to liquor.” Sheeze. Talk it out.

3) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

2) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Too True” Category:

1) Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

Next in the Paradoke Corner:

The “‘Sick’ Top Ten” category is right up Stephen King’s alley.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Walmart truck photo by Phil Comer. Unless stated otherwise, links are for information and not the property of the author.

SQUASH CASSEROLE by Phil "Bud" Comer (September 8, 2010)

Queen Tush rolled up the driveway honking the horn of her powder blue pickup. She oozed out from behind the wheel in a black velveteen slit-up-the-side number.

My first thought was, "Where's Elvis?" Then I recognized the dress from her gothchick nuptials.

I said, "Queen, what are you doing in your wedding gown?"

She modeled almost twisting out of her red high-heeled sandals.

"Don't you love it, Bud? Isn't this the fun-est thing?" She stuffed back her right boobage as it made a run for it. "It still fits." Queen Tush batted her raccoon eyes.

"Still fits" maybe in Queen's magic mirror. Those seams better be reinforced. The red lipstick overshot her mouth; black roots teased peroxide straw. I glanced down skipping the scary bits. The terminal digit of each toe, including the nail, was painted at one with the red sandals.

I said, "Hon, you are a sight! Where you headed?"

She shrugged, "Over to Scooter's. Taking him my squash casserole. His old lady is down to the Eastern Star in Savannah. Kids are off at their Maw-maw and Paw-paw's. Thought I'd be neighborly."

Her neighborliness smelled like she'd mugged Earline, the Avon Lady. From the unidentifiable lumps, I envisioned the squash casserole stashed under her skirt.

She cooed, "Listen, Bud, I was wondering." She flirted, "You boys spare some eggs?"

Fringe benefit of two men living together. You get called "boys" into senescence.