THE I-CAT WAS NOT AMUSED AT CHRISTMAS by Phil Comer

A PERSNICKITY FELINE GETS HOLIDAY COMMUPANCE, A STORY IN VERSE.

We're the Imperial Cat; that would be

 I-Cat to you.

Things are all a dither. We find ourselves

hot in a stew!

We are the Imperial I-Cat; we are not amused.

We are not impressed by Christmas.

We're Holiday abused!

We are not amused by Santa with all his

Ho Ho Ho.

We're sick and tired of Christmas.

It's high time for it to go.

Neither are we amused by strings dangled before our paws;

Nor by balls, rubber mice, or yet more tales of Santa Claus!

We're not amused by smashing Grandma's keepsake ornaments;

Nor by Mom, Pop and Junior in holiday adornments.

We are not amused by catnip sprinkled

in paper bags.

We're not amused by velvet ribbons,

lights or hanging tags.

We discovered our belly in sudden

need of washing;

That we couldn't finish; we spied bugs

that needed squashing!

We were diverted by arrivals knocking

at the door,

Then Lex, the neighbor's smelly dachshund, dashed across the floor!

We flipped our tail, ignored the beast;

a hairball we did cough.

We further were offended by the fruitcake

they'd dropped off.

In disgust, we sharpened our claws

upon the wicker chair.

We skittered when Papa shouted,

"No! No! No, Cat! Not there!"

We dove for our secret hidey-hole,

and crouched out of sight.

Momma started scolding too; we might be stuck here all night.

These folks have yet to learn how

to properly address we!

But we shan't yowl too loudly; the bed and board come scot-free.

We rearranged the manger and hid

the baby Jesus.

Perchance we'll think to put it back,

just before Hell freezes.

Cattle lowing, sheep and camels, we found the creche well set.

Junior shouldn't play inside with trike or

new crash helmet!

We were vexed by cats' pajamas from our Christmas stocking.

We're not amused by mistletoe; that we found quite shocking.

We sang no Christmas carols although

we know the lyrics.

The family blames our ill temper;

we fault atmospherics.

We were not amused by cuddles;

we struggled to be free,

But the jammies came with Velcro;

that's how it's gonna be.

We clawed to be let out; we felt

prerogatives denied.

Outdoors, the snow wet our paws;

we yowled to get back inside! 

For us, Santa left lumps of coal;

now those are some sick jokes.

Mom, Pop and Uncle Charlie just stepped out in winter coats.

That's when we lost our temper:

Junior yanked upon our tail!

We fluffed, hissed, fanged and spat; with our claws we sought to impale.

Junior is annoying when left to his own devices.

We've more important tasks: Tending shadows. Killing mices.

We're unimpressed by chestnuts toasting over open flame;

Now, chipmunks roasting over fire, that's our idea of game!

What's this? Mom and Pop are back with

Uncle Charlie in tow.

Yet another present, a basket with

a big red bow!

We pretend not to hear when informed,

this one is for we.

Snarl, spit and hissy fit! It's a kitten

under the tree!

It blinked. It purred. It raised a paw.

Heavens, that thing is bratty!

It blinked. It purred, "Are you my new Mommy? Or my Daddy?"

Though knowledgeable of the facts of life,

in the classics we've been tutored,

"For goodness sakes, Kitten, I don't know.

It's been ages since I was neutered!"

I flipped, sniffed and studied this kitten

from every angle.

Well, lo and behold, I mewed,

"I think I'll call you Angel!"

We went on a rip, raced all around

until we were exhausted.

Then a miracle! The tree's branches

all became frosted!

I showed our buffet; that Angel was famished was among my surmises.

At the litter box I advised, "Now, these people, they don't like surprises."

From the toilet I sipped, "The water is fine

for drinking."

Mom ran in stamping feet, "Cat, what on earth are you thinking?"

The kitten was tired; we were wiped out;

I groomed Angel's whiskers.

Christmas gone, something remains: Small purrs like elfin whispers.

In the end, when one's a friend,

Christmas is about caring.

"Snuggle close, Angel. My hidey-hole's

just right for sharing."

THE END

Still want more of the Holiday spirit?

Check out my rap tribute to Chuck Sambuchino, Gnome for the Holidays!  [go]

Text Copyright © 2011 Phil Comer.

Photo credits: O Tannenbaum Guy: Ryan Gosling "Christmas Lights"; "Lilly in Afghan" by Phil Comer; "Broken Ornament," unknown; "Fruitcake," unknown; "Creche Without Jesus," unknown; "Cat's Santa Pajamas," unknown; "Lump of Coal," unknown; "Christmas Kitten" by Catheryn Carcamo; "Cat Under Tree," unknown. Additional attributions will be made as available.

Unless stated otherwise, illustrations and links outside this blog are for information and are not the property of the author.