A CHICKEN GOES IN A BAR by Phil Comer (August 14, 2010)

Hard to believe Far Side cartoonist Gary Larson just turned sixty. One of his beloved panels depicts a chicken in a bar surrounded by cows munching hay. Larson's caption: "Vera looked around the room. Not another chicken anywhere. And then it struck her -- this was a hay bar."

That original came to mind when someone recently forwarded Dan Reynolds' take on the theme: two dogs enjoying cocktails perusing other bar mutts. Reynolds' caption: "Bob and Steve noticed no one else was wearing a collar. Suddenly, they realized they were in a stray bar."

That added fodder for these:

A rock climber repels down El Capitan in Yosemite. Halfway down the sheer rock face he comes upon a refreshment stand serving icy rickeys. Caption: "Suddenly, Eric realized he’d dropped in a belay bar."

Hepcat prowls into a hot spot enticed by the aroma of liver and onions. Tomcats sit on stools licking paws in anticipation. "Suddenly, Jerry realized this was a sauté bar." 

A penguin waddles into a roadhouse. The joint is filled with ballerinas in tutus twirling before mirrors. "Suddenly, Ralph realized this was a plié barre."

Bartender collie mixing cosmos, one patron mutt licks his nether regions while all the other pooches crouch obediently, tails wagging, tongues lolling. "Suddenly, Rusty realized this was a sit-stay bar."

Elderly woman staggering into a tavern is blind-sided by a whiteout blizzard and run over by Santa and his reindeer barreling out the door. "Suddenly, Grandma realized this was a sleigh bar."

Hot in heat foxy poodle sashays into the doghouse lounge howling in her thought bubble "Well, fellas, here I am!" to a disinterested audience. Caption: "Suddenly, Fifi realized this was a spay bar."

Dressed to the nines the debutante breezes into the cabaret only to encounter shabby revenants recently crawled from their graves, "Suddenly, Cassandra realized this was a zombie fray bar."

Kansas cutie wearing ruby slippers skips into a gin mill where she’s promptly devoured by lions, tigers and bears. "Oh my, Dorothy should have NEVER darkened a prey bar." 

After weeks on Weight Watchers a super-sized co-ed tromps into a den of iniquity only to be confronted by enormous scales. "Suddenly, Aurelia realized this was just another weigh bar."

A dish slips into a nightspot crowded with handsome good time Charlies, each of whom offers her flowers. "Suddenly, Eloise realized this must be a bouquet bar."

Doll goes in a taproom. All the patrons, male and female, diddle each other through unisex lingerie. "Suddenly, Candy realized this was a foreplay bar."

The man about town bursts in a honky-tonk. Laundry is strung all over the dump. "Suddenly, Walter realized this was a washday bar."

Little Bo-Peep herds her flock into a bistro feeling fetching with her bonnet and staff, but everyone else wears silly French headgear. "Suddenly, Miss Peep realized this was a beret bar."

Blond Colombian bombshell shimmies into a posada. There’s only Carmen Miranda impersonators shaking maracas. "Suddenly, Shakira realized this was a merengue bar."

Sweet patootie enters a nightclub wearing sweats. Everyone else, men and women, wear sequins, high heels and fishnet stockings. "Suddenly, Corine realized this was a lamé bar."

Meat-eating dinosaur lumbers into a late-Mesozoic dive. He’s the only dino there, not even a bartendersaur; the place is in shambles, a sign across the back mirror "Extinct." Caption: "Rex was dismayed to discover he was in a passé bar."

Gent strolls into a mug hall moments after an airplane crashes through the ceiling. "Suddenly, Lewis realized this was a Mayday bar."

Stud ambles into a hotspot, every sugar daddy wannabe sports an atrocious hairpiece. "Suddenly, Winston realized he was in a toupee bar."

Babe flounces into an opium den in Chinatown; no one speaks English. "Suddenly, Patty realized this was an émigré bar."

Buckaroo swaggers into a pub, tries to order a drink, but the bartender just keeps spouting words that all mean the same thing. "Suddenly, Dexter realized he was in a Roget bar."

A Lothario meanders into a juke-joint, a beam of high energy particles passes through his body and projects an image of his skeleton on the wall. "Suddenly, Cedric realized this was an x-ray bar."

Horndog struts into a brewhouse just as an atom bomb detonates. "Simon had not a moment to notice he’d entered the Doomsday bar."

This tootsie traipses into a nightspot shoulder-to-shoulder with tall, dark and handsome men wearing string-ties and boleros. "Estelle's heart was aflutter to discover she’d stumbled into an hombre bar."

Floozy jaunts up to a lounge. BIG neon sign on the door beckons "Come Inside." Caption: "Suddenly, Heather realized she was about to enter a double entendre bar."

Chum plods into a tidal pool only to be beset by a bunch of flat fish armed with stingers. "Albert suddenly realized he was in a stingray bar."

This Romeo saunters into an alehouse only to be knocked out cold by an errant golf ball. "When Andrew came to, he realized he had wandered into the fairway bar."

Goateed beatnik oozes into a poetry slam. Appreciative patrons snap fingers to a purple-wigged drag diva in enormous rhinestone glasses clutching the microphone. In her speech bubble, "My candle burns at both ends / It gives a lovely light" Caption: "Unbeknownst, Yost chanced upon the world's only Dame Edna St. Vincent Millay bar."

Lured by the squeak of flesh and craving blood, the caped vampire stalks from the shadows only to be incinerated to ashes by the sun. "Too late Dracula realized this was a day bar."

A chicken on a stool in a barn bar surrounded by cows, party hats on horns, blowing blowouts and kazoos while twirling noisemakers and clacking castanets between their cloven hooves. "Vera looked around the room. And then it struck her -- Gary Larson turned sixty this year!"

© Phil Comer

Disclaimer: Although loosely based on reality, characters and events are none you or I know.

Text and concepts are copyright material of the author, except brief quotes of others. Illustration of Larson’s cartoon originally published in Macon (Georgia) Telegraph. Unless stated otherwise, photos, cartoon and links are for information and not the property of the author.