NO PLACE FOR GNOMES by Phil Comer

Chuck Sambuchino is an air guitarist of note and editor at Writer’s Digest Books. He’s also a known gnomophobe dedicated to saving us from the great gnome menace. His book is How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (and They Will).

Research has taken Chuck throughout the gnome world, and he’s fluent in their gnomenclature. He even pursues these nemeses where they Twitter.

Chuckie and his little hang-ups inspired this punny poem.

(Stanzas sung to first and last verses of Home for the Holidays. Refrain MUST be rapped.)

NO PLACE FOR GNOMES

Stanza One

Oh, there’s no place for gnomes these holidays,

‘Cause gnome matter how far away they roam;

Sambuchino will gnomewreck their red cone toupees,

And make gnomework of these gnomeskulls, hear gnomes groan!

Gnome Rap Refrain

If you read Nostra-gnome-us, you’d pick up the clue phone-us.

Those pics you’d best forget? Gnomes upload to the Net!

Gnomes tangle up our hoses, right beneath our noses.

On garden paths they mosey, and trample down our posies.

They terrorize the bunnies, then shred the Sunday funnies.

Gnomes gobble up our spinach; they hide tools before we finich!

On playground swings they loiter; one ain’t gon’ date MY daughter.

They wet upon the lilies; their grins give me the WILLIES.

Gnomes cower brute Alsatians, even once you’ve Maced their faces in!

These creepy little vermins, we blame upon the Germans!

Stanza Two 

No rooms again for gnomes at inns these holidays,

No discount rates, just blackout dates for

sl-gnome-bers.

Egnomeration and gnome-schooling, now passee,

Let’s end gnomish praises,

Make us unenc-gnome-bered,

Shatter gnomish glazes, 

These ghouls’ days are gnomebered!

THE END

Not quite The End:

Chuck blogged of this post: "Phil Comer, on his ‘All Write by Me’ blog, did an amazing job writing out a ‘Gnome Rap’ (!!!). Definitely worth a look-see." Chuck Sambuchino, Editor, Guide to Literary Agents, Writer’s Digest Books.

Thanks much for the shout-out, Mr. Sambuchino!

Next in the Silly Poem series:

“In Meowrium,” a wee elegy for a lap a cat.  (Go!)

© Phil Comer

Disclaimer: Although loosely based on reality, characters and events are un-gnome to you or me. If you think this doesn't totally suck, please Comment, Follow and click Like. Thanks!

Text is copyright material of the author. Gnome photo, Getty Images. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.