EVANGELICALS URGED TO STALK GAYS IN SMALL-TOWN AMERICA by Phil Comer

PART 2. LESBIANS ARE HOT

[Start with Part 1 (Go!)]

Ex-Gay Melissa Fryrear Travels with Protection

FUN HOUSE MIRRORS

The presenters were slick. What a head job! Like, by the time Haley testified he'd been arrested for same-sex prostitution in Dallas, folks were clapping, rebel yelling, stomping feet. Never heard such. And in a church! Well, this place was more like a sports arena. Christ Chapel at SportsTowne, that's what they called it.

Yes, odd. Haley said he loves talking to "gay activists."

Focus on the Family's lead ex-lesbian, trim schoolmarm-ish Melissa Fryrear, prefers the term "gay militants" for those demanding equal treatment under the law. All those not militant, she lumps as "moderates," their target. A gay moderate, she said, was someone who "may have gone to a few Gay Pride parades."

She didn't say how many.

There were no protesters. That was unfortunate in that at several places in their scripts, they refer to "the gay activists protesting outside."

Yeah, we heard they'd be punching below the Bible Belt. Tried to get word out to stay home.

We're just tickled pink that they know we're here even if we weren't there.

By the afternoon session, Fryrear was so pleased with the friendly crowd and so comfortable in her sensible shoes, at the last minute she substituted her more hard hitting talk, "Why We Can't Stay Silent," for her previously announced, "Homosexuality and the Culture."

Apparently everything Melissa Fryrear and Mike Haley said was scripted by Focus on the Family's "policy wonks," which they both insisted they weren't.

Wonks, that is.

They used the word lesbian but always put quotes around "gay."

I see you're putting quotes around "ex-gay" here.

The word queer was never used. The only exception was an "ex-gay" website targeting gay and lesbian youth, "inqueery.com."

Cool. Wish that one was ours.

ALWAYS CARRY PROTECTION

Fryrear traveled with a bodyguard. She said that after your first death threat at Focus on the Family, you got a parking space closer to the building. Every Christmas for the last several years she's gotten what she calls her "poo card," a Christmas card smeared with feces.

Fryrear wore braces. Said she asked the orthodontist to give her a straight smile.

The most people assembled at one time was for Fryrear's talk on the "root" of lesbianism.

Evangelicals must find lesbians hot.

In his poetry, Walt Whitman often used "root" as a euphemism for penis.

If you are living homosexually and think you're happy, you are delusional. I believe that was one of their book titles. They recommend reading, or at least buying, matter of all sorts.

You gotta do something with all that time you're not being gay.

KEEP THAT PISTOL IN YOUR POCKET

The Road to Recovery is this: Celibate. Date. Wed-Mate. Procreate. Only you have to pronounce "celibate" so it rhymes with the rest. This is a long and arduous journey fraught with hurdles. All the "ex-gays" call this their "struggle"; they refer to themselves as "strugglers."

They all want to make it to trail's end, or at least that next-to-the-last pit stop.

All the "ex-gays" seemed to be trying way too hard.

If they're "ex-gay," why do they keep setting off my gaydar?

Great big bear hugs are the secret handshake of the "ex-gay" movement.

But you are SO not supposed to know that.

Haley apparently was celibate for five years before his marriage. He said he remained virgin as a hetero until several days after that.

This stuff ain't easy.

He now has two progeny. You're expected to clap every time their picture flashes.

Yeah, they look like they could be his.

"Ex-gay" Fryrear seems to have been celibate ever since she "walked away from lesbianism" a number of years ago. She's single and said straight sex is also out before marriage. She says she's looking for "a redheaded man."

Likely one who has a red Volvo with a honking pair of halogen headlights. Even if we all swore off sex, my guess is we'd still wanna chill. Maybe now hang in the Fellowship Hall?

I doubt they'd want too many of us in there at one time.

If we sit boy girl, boy girl? And swear no sleep-over lock-ins? I hear they're sewing pink and blue patches onto choir robes so we don't get confused over which to put on. For our foreheads, they got a bunch of "999" temporary tattoos. That way, we only get marked with the Sign of the Beast if caught swinging inappropriately from monkey bars. Many details are yet to be ironed out.

Overcoming your gay sarcasm is an actual step in their comprehensive program toward becoming an "ex-gay."

"Sarcasm reflects their pain." What's that bullshit?

Language, please. Becoming "ex-gay" is a humorless affair. All that talk about celibacy, what they call "walking away from homosexuality" for those of that orientation, makes me wax nostalgic for all those times throughout human history when voluntary sexual abstinence has proved such a rousing success.

Sheep should be nervous.

END OF PART 2 OF 4.

Next Part 3, "Mojo of Homo No Mo'"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

PART 1. THE JESUS PIECE (Go!)

PART 2. LESBIANS ARE HOT Back to top (Go!)

PART 3. MOJO OF HOMO NO MO' (Go!)

PART 4. THE EXORCISM (Go!)

© Phil Comer [This piece won first place in nonfiction at the Sandhills Writers Conference.]

This "ex-gay" revival, "The Philadelphia Conference: Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would," was held Saturday, September 30, 2006, Christ Chapel at SportsTowne, 170 Starcadia Circle, Macon, Georgia. All speakers were affiliated with "Focus on the Family" and/or "Exodus International." For more information on "Ex-Gay" ministries, see "Truth Wins Out." Unless stated otherwise, photos and links outside this website are not property of the author.