PARADOKE CORNER - #12 “Lucille Ball” Paraprosdokian Tasty Bakers' Dozen

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner Tasty Bakers' Dozen in the Lucille Ball category:

13) A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright.

12) It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.

11) I don't do T & A very well because I haven't got much of either.

10) Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.

9) Buster Keaton taught me most of what I know about timing, how to fall, how to handle props and upstage animals.

8) Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

7) I earned my stripes as a hoofer. I've become a 'star dancer.' All I have to do is make sure my arms go up when the backup dancers' do.

6) "Some of the most gifted people I've ever met are homosexual. How can you knock that?"

But, technically, that statement is not paraprosdokian. So #6 gets a do-over:

6) I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can do. In fact, that's good taste.

Ah, that's where I went wrong!

5) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

4) I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

3) You see much more of your children once they leave home.

2) My God, I'm outliving my henna.

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Lucille Ball” Tasty Bakers' Dozen Category:

1) Yes, my hair is 'naturally red.' That's what it says on the bottle.

Next in Paradoke Corner series, Outstanding in the Field! (go)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. In photos, Lucy & Desi, Lucille Ball, Desi Arnaz, Vivian Vance as Ethel Mertz (Getty Images), anonymous models (http://www.365gay.com/).

Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #11 The Incomparable Junior Samples' Paraprosdokian Top Twenty

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. 

Folks around Sandtrap, Jawja, are right fond of their Favorite Son, Junior Samples. He was a big star on the Hee Haw television program way back when and still on cable. Junior is dead now, but he was Mercer County’s Barnyard Bard and did us proud.

Junior deserves a Top Twenty in the Paradoke Corner:

20) We been gettin’ a whole lot more aigs. Tacked us up a sign on the henhouse thet sez, ‘An aig a day keeps Col. Sanders away.’”

19) “Most of the Mayor’s speeches is like the horns of a steer. A point here. A point thair. Wid a lot of bull in between.”

18) Hiram Bell tole me, ‘My wife haz done run off wid my new best friend!’ I asks him, ‘Iz he a gud lookin’ fella?’ Hiram sed, “I don’t know. Ain’t never met the man.”

17) “Miz Tompkin’s baby pitched a big fit in town the other day. I sez, ‘Ain’t that youngun a mite spoilt?’ She sez, ‘Naw, that’s jist the way it smells.’”

16) “I dun lost mah last job ‘cauz of illness ‘n fatigue. Mah boss sed he jist plain sick an’ tired of me.”

15) “How’s yore wife?” I asks Tobe Hawks. He sez, “Compared to what?”

14) If’n you learn from mistakes, why is it some folk have more than one youngun?

13) “Roscoe wuz in the hospital fer three weeks. Then he taken a turn fur the nurse.”

12) “I sez, ‘I reckon I’ll go outside an’ see if‘n it are rainin’.’ Uncle Gus sez, ‘Thet’s a waste of time. Jist whistle fer the dog an’ see if he’s wet.’” 

11) “Mah memory is reel gud. They’s jist two thangs I cain’t recall. One is people’s names. I forgits whut the other one wuz.”

10) I asked the widow, “What wore yo’ husband’s las’ words?” She sez, “They wuz, ‘I jist don’t see how they kin sell this here fine corn likker fur two bits a quart.’”

9) “They dun served me a steak up in New Yawk thet were so rare, I seed cows back home hurt worse than that an’ git well.”

8) I tole the Doc he needed to fix up my son-in-law whut I’d just shot. Doc sez, ‘Why’d you go an’ do that to your own kin?’ I said, ‘Well, he warn’t my son-in-law when I shot him.’”

7) They had a cuttin’ an’ near riot over at the hog killin’. Ole Mac was bleedin’ bad. I sez, ‘Did you git cut in the fracas?’ He sed, ‘Nope. Hit war right here above my navel.’”

6) “Lawyer Crum iz a gud lawyer. He got Calib Swan a suspended sentence. They hung him.”

5) “Young fella asks me, ‘Kin I have yore daughter fur mah wife?’ I sez, ‘Might be interested. But I’ll have to see yore wife furst.’”

4) “They all laffed when ole Precious dun come to the party dressed lak a bird. They didn’t know he’d jist been tarred an’ feathered.”

3) “We found us a fishin’ spot that wuz real gud. We marked it for next time. Put us a big ole ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”

2) Det story ‘bout Jonah an’ the whale proves one thang. You jist cain’t keep a gud man down.”

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Incomparable Junior Samples” Category:

1) “There ain’t much a’ goin’ on in a small town. But what you hears makes up fur hit.”

Next up in Paradoke Corner:

The Lucille Ball Tasty Bakers' Dozen (go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled by Nick Adams, ranked and translated into near-English by Phil “Bud” Comer. Photo by Bud. Unless stated otherwise, links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #10 “Doctor’s Orders” Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the Doctor’s Orders category:

PEANUTS

10) I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

9) "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." - Henry J. Tillman

8) "She got her good looks from her father; he's a plastic surgeon." - Groucho Marx

7) A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are on it.

6) "There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs… my favorite is Nestle." - Shmuel Breban

5) I put my daughter to bed and tried to kiss her, and she said, ‘Not tonight, Daddy, I’ve got a terrible headache.’” - Rodney Dangerfield

4) “I want to live to be a hundred, because you rarely read any obituaries about people over a hundred years old.” - George Burns

3) “I have three children – one of each.” - Rodney Dangerfield.

2) “When I was your age, my parents used to rock me to sleep. The rocks were as big as your head.” - Mel Brooks

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Doctor’s Orders” Category:

1) “Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped.” - Groucho Marx

Next up in Paradoke Corner:

“The Incomparable Junior Samples,” late star of the Hee Haw TV show, gets his own Top Twenty!  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

This is a compilation of work from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Top photo by Phil Comer, bottom photo by Dan Skinner, model David Wilkinson. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #9 CYA Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the “CYA” category:

10) “He who hesitates is often right.” Garrison Keillor

9) You're never too old to learn something stupid.

8) I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

7) I don’t really believe in the afterlife, but I am taking a change of underwear.

6) “If at first you don’t succeed, then quit. There’s no sense being a fool about it.” - W. C. Fields

5) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

4) “In show business, the key word is honesty. And once you’ve learned to fake that, you’re in.” - George Burns

3) An atheist is someone with no visible means of support.

2) Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “CYA” Category:

1) “Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.” - Samuel Johnson

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

“Doctor’s Orders Top Ten” category, again, Groucho wins.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Megan O’Neill. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #8 Pollyanna’s Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the “Pollyanna’s” category:

10) My gal was faithful to the end. Unfortunately, I was the quarterback.

9) “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.” Sam Goldwyn

8) We don’t serve women at this bar. You have to bring your own.

7) “When I told my gentile girlfriend I was bringing the bagels, she set two extra places.” George Furth

6) “There are still things you can get for a dollar – like nickels, dimes and quarters.” - Charles Lindner

5) “That restaurant was so crowded, nobody ever goes there anymore.” Yogi Berra

4) “I ran and ran and ran from the murderers ‘till Mom shook me awake.”

3) "I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'" - Emo Philips

2) “A bum said to me, ‘I haven’t eaten in three days.’ I said, ‘Force yourself.’” - Henny Youngman

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Pollyanna’s” Category:

1) “I wouldn’t hurt a fly – unless it was open.” - Mae West

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

The “‘CYA’ Top Ten” category goes way back.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Phil Comer, model Patsy Fried. Unless stated otherwise, links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #7 The “Now Cliché” Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the “Now Cliché” category:

10) “Let’s get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini” - Robert Benchley

9) "If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm." – Vince Lombardi

8) Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put

 "DOCTOR."

7) “I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.” -- Will Rogers

6) Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

5) "You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute in a huff.” - Groucho Marx, Duck Soup

4) "We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately." Benjamin Franklin

3) “Take my wife – please.” Henny Youngman

2) “It’s deja vu all over again.” Casey Stengel

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Now Cliche” Category:

1) "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." -  Groucho Marx

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

“Pollyanna’s Top Ten” category belongs to Mae West, and others.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Phil Comer. Unless stated otherwise, links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #6 Snarky Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the Snarky category:

10) "When life gives you lemons, stuff 'em down your bra and make bigger boobs."

Boob Bonus: A zebra is twenty-five sizes bigger than an A bra.

9) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

8) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

7) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't escape.

6) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

5) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4) “He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.” - Joseph Heller

3) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

2) I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Snarky” Category:

1) “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.” – Winston Churchill

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

The “‘Now Cliché’ Top Ten” category contains old saws. Groucho wins.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Megan O’Neill. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #5 Irreverent Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the Irreverent category: 

10) Lent was tough. I gave up Catholicism.

9) “If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.” - Woody Allen

8) If there is a God, why are there things such as famine and daytime TV?

7) “There but for the grace of God, goes God.” – Winston Churchill

6) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

5) I asked God for a bike, but knowing He doesn't work that way, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4) “They cancelled Easter this year. They found the body.” -- George Carlin

3) “If you are going through hell, keep going.” -- Winston Churchill

2) “If we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re said to be schizophrenic.” -- Lily Tomlin

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Irreverent” Category:

1) “I think we should all treat each other as Christians. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.” -- George Carlin

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

The “Snakry Top Ten” category has a surprise winner.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Photo by Megan O’Neill. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #4 Sick Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the “Sick” category:

10) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9) “The heart patient refused the transplant; he’d already had a change of heart.” - George Carlin

8) Some people are like Slinkies, not particularly good for anything, but you can't help but smile when one tumbles down stairs.

7) “One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.” – Oscar Wilde

6) I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. (See photo illustration.)

5) "It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs." -- Jack Handey

4) “The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.”

3) “I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.’ - Bob Monkhouse

2) "I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks." - Emo Philips

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Sick” Category:

1.) “I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk.” – Stephen King

Next up in the Paradoke Corner:

The “Irreverent Top Ten” category has George Carlin’s name all over it.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

This is a compilation of work from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Unless stated otherwise, photos and links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #3 “Too True” Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. The Paradoke Corner top ten in the “Too True” category:

10) You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need one to do it again.

9) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8) Why do Americans choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

7) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6) When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department uses water.

5) "Save a little money each month and at the end of the year, you'll be surprised at how little you have." -- Ernest Haskins

4) “She was a girl who preferred men to liquor.” Sheeze. Talk it out.

3) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

2) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Too True” Category:

1) Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

Next in the Paradoke Corner:

The “‘Sick’ Top Ten” category is right up Stephen King’s alley.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner ranking by Phil Comer. Walmart truck photo by Phil Comer. Unless stated otherwise, links are for information and not the property of the author.

PARADOKE CORNER - #2 Ironic Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. My ironic paradoke top ten:

10) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

9) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

8) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

7) We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6) "On the other hand, we have different fingers." -- Jack Handey, get it? “Hand”ey?

5) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

4) "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." — Jack Handey

3) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

2) The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Ironic” Category:

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Next up in Paradoke Corner:

The “Too True Top Ten” category contains convoluted words to live by.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja’s latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner rankings by Phil Comer. Photo by Bo Walker.

PARADOKE CORNER - #1 “Outstanding In Field” Paraprosdokian Top Ten

Paraprosdokian, two phrases, the second changing the meaning of the first, usually in a funny or humorous way. My top ten Outstanding in the Field paradokes:

10) "It looked so good out this morning, I thought I'd leave it out." -- Paul Benjamin King

9) "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." –  Groucho Marx

8) "Keep reaching for the stars, because those are the only people who can help you." -- Maria Bamford

7) “He was at his best when the going was good.” – Alistair Cooke on The Duke of Windsor

6) "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." –  Groucho Marx

5) "Mark my words. No, Mark, I really need my words." – Stephen Colbert

4) "I haven't slept for ten days. Because that would be too long." -- Mitch Hedberg

3) “It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.” Winston Churchill

2) "If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised." -- Dorothy Parker

And the Paradoke Corner Winner in the “Outstanding In Field” Category:

1) “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” -- Groucho Marx

Next up in Paradoke Corner:

“Ironic Top Ten” category, the winner containing good advice about tomatoes.  (Go!)

Or, check out Sandtrap, Jawja's latest.  (Go!)

Compiled from various sources. Paradoke Corner rankings by Phil Comer. Photo by Phil Comer.